It's 9:35 AM, May 1, 2012.
At this moment only two years ago, we were together.
You weren't well. Still recovering from another surgery.
But together. I sat beside your bedside. Holding your hand.
Telling you how much I loved you. Smiling when you'd say,
'I love you, too, honey.'
Having no idea...not even the slightest hint...that less than
twelve hours from now, I would have to walk away without you.
Only knowing that you would have to stay a little longer due to
a post operative complication. But you would leave with me. There
was never even the slightest doubt of that.
How tragically and quickly things would change during that long
and fateful day. Due to the gross negligence of the hospital staff
with their failure to replace your Nasal Gastric tube, you would
eventually aspirate on the accumulating fluids that were building
in your abdomen. Which I continually pointed out to the staff.
And that you were sick. And you were in pain. They would respond with
statements that there was no 'written order'. I would say,
'then call his doctor!'
What was wrong with these incompetent idiots?? It was like being in a fog....
like nothing I was telling them was getting through.
I watched you growing weaker as the day continued. I was so
frustrated with everyone not doing what needed to be done! I felt
like everything was in slow motion...all day...until your Respiratory
Therapist came in to give you your breathing treatment. When you asked
if you could do it later because you just didn't feel good, he said 'sure' and
asked me, 'what's going on?' When I filled him in, he immediately rushed
out to the nurse's station and demanded immediate action.
It was just
too little too late.
In only a few minutes, your room was filled with medical personnel...
two doctors from ER, nurses, and others. All rushing around. What had
been a critical situation, one those on the floor were in denial of, was now
an
urgent critical situation. It had been urgent all day!!
When it appeared they finally had things under control, I leaned over you
and told you I was going to leave for thirty minutes to go and get my clothes
from where I'd been staying. I told you that when I got back, I would not
leave your room again
until you were leaving it with me. You weakly
told me you loved me, too, and said, '
good, honey' ...about me not leaving
your room again. Then I told you
'if you wake up and don't see me, I will just
be in your restroom, okay?' You smiled at me.
Then
I leaned down and we kissed
...
not knowing it would be the last kiss we would share in this world.
When I left your room, Donnie stayed with you. Jennifer and our grandchildren
left to drive me to get my clothes. It was 9:30 PM.
Even then, I had not
even the slightest thought that you wouldn't make it...my concern was that
you would be sick and have to stay longer. Something I knew you didn't want to
do. You had been trying to 'get outta here' for the last couple of days.
At 9:58 PM, I re entered your room. Donnie told me later that, as I stepped in, I
stopped a second at the end of your bed. I touched your foot
gently and said,
'honey, I'm back.' He said that you murmured,
'hmmm.' I stood at the
foot of the bed with him, and asked him what else they did while I was gone. He
told me that they had re-inserted your catheter. He said that they asked you if it was
okay for Donnie to stay in the room and you laughed and said,
'it don't bother me
if it don't bother him.' Wow, honey! Even then, after all you had been through,
as weak as you were, you still managed to joke around!
You were always so amazing!
Two minutes after I stepped back into your room, Donnie and I heard this
awful sound and didn't have any idea it was you trying to breathe. I had never
heard anything like it in my life. I said,
'Donnie, see what's wrong!' He was the closest
to your side. He rushed to you while I rushed over to the other side of your bed. I
watched in shock as Donnie lifted your head in his arms, crying out,
'hey, Buddy, what's
wrong, what's wrong?' Then I saw you...your eyes were rolled back, and I was
so, so
afraid then. I just remember crying,
'honey, honey!' Then I ran out into the hall, yelling
for someone
'get in there fast.
He's not breathing!'
Code Blue was called. Emergency personnel were crowding around your bed
in a matter of a couple of minutes or less. Someone told me I would have to leave the
room, and of course I refused. No one could force me to leave you, honey, no way!
I was in such shock. All I could say over and over was, '
oh, God, oh, God, oh God...'
I was praying...no,
begging...Him to not take you from me. Honey, there are no words
to describe the pain, the shock...
just no words. Sometime later, a nurse came up to me
and gently asked if I'd like to move up closer to your side, to which I responded an
emphatic
'yes'. Then she led me out into the hall and had someone bring a chair for me.
She must have known I would never have left your room without being tricked into it.
I wanted to be in there with you. You know what, Baby? I know by that time you
were already in the arms of the angels. And I believe you saw me completely falling
apart. You never liked for me to be upset and crying. I don't think you wanted me
in there...watching in anguish as they worked diligently in their attempts to get you back.
In the hall, I had our son, Donnie, and his family to be close to me,
for which I am so
thankful! They had been there all day!
I don't know how I could have made it without
those strong arms holding me up. He had also made phone calls to our Pastor, and to all
our children. They were on their way.
At one point, one of the doctors stepped out into the hall and asked if I wanted him to keep
working to revive you.
Of course I did! The next time he came out was to ask the same
question. I asked him if you would be okay if he could 'bring you back'. He said you had
been too long without oxygen to your brain.
Then I knew, honey. You were so strong
in telling me you never wanted to be kept alive on some 'stupid machine.' We both had
agreed that
'that's not living.' Here again, there are no words to tell you the crushing feeling
in my chest...the feeling that is there even as I write this today.
Donnie stood behind me with his arms around my neck and sobbed like a baby. He kept
saying,
'I'll take care of you, mama..' I know he felt that responsibility as my oldest son.
And he loved you so much, honey, as much as you loved him. What a cool relationship the
two of you shared. Joking. Laughing. Working together in your plumbing business. The
one you wanted him to take over someday. And actually told him that on this very day.
It was amazing how quickly all the other children arrived with their families. Sally couldn't
get there yet. It just wasn't possible. She had to get a flight out of Bakersfield. I can only
imagine how devastating it had to be for her...not being able to be there with us. Honey,
there was such heartbreak there. And there was love....for a husband and dad who had
given
us all so much of himself.
Finally, the kids felt we should leave. Christy, Lori, Donnie, and Randy. Their families.
All the beautiful grandchildren you loved as your very own. They wanted to get a room somewhere.
Just not the Hampton. I couldn't go there. Not now. Probably not ever again. One of the places
you and I had shared such happy times. Now they would just be sweet memories...
Leaving that hospital was so hard to do. I was leaving without you, Darling...my husband, the
love of my life. It wasn't supposed to be like this. We were going to leave there
together...in
just a few more days. Looking back, I don't know how I ever made myself walk away that night.
It had to be God being so close to me. God and my precious, loving family.
I have to mention the sweetest memory, honey. It was that night in our motel room, that I held
little Andrew on my lap.
He just wanted to lay his head on my chest, and stroke my arm. He
was so precious! It was like he knew something was wrong and he wanted to comfort Nanny.
Christy was sitting beside us. Observing this precious moment. She looked at me and said
something I won't ever forget,
'Oh, mama, God knew you would need this little angel tonight.'
The rest of that night is a blur. Like a nightmare you try to wake up from. And can't. I felt pain. I felt numbness. I can't describe it. I was so exhausted, I did fall asleep. Only I awakened later, crying out
for you. I must have thought we were in our room and you had gotten up. It was Christy...just
going to the restroom, I think. She told me about it later.
Life would never ever again be the same without you, my sweet, darling Odell. Somehow I would
have to get through the next few days...moment by moment.. Leaning. Just leaning on my children's
strength. And on God. His strength. His gentle arms that would carry me. It would be the only way
I could begin to navigate the dark, dark, turbulent waters ahead...
Today. Two years. It is hard to believe that it has been that long. And yet, the years have been
long without you. I know. It doesn't make much sense. Some ask me if it is any better yet? No.
I don't think it will ever be any
better. Time will help it to get
easier...just not better. How can
anyone think being without you would ever be
better? I have just very recently stopped leaning down
to kiss
all your pictures before going to bed. I just didn't want it to become like some kind of
ceremony. I still kiss at least one. And I hug the pillow Lori made for me... with your handsome face. I cuddle it every night going to sleep. And I talk to you sometimes. Do you hear me? Sometimes I feel you so close...
SO...I don't understand how being without the man you love with all your being can ever be
better.
I know people mean well. Not everyone understands. Unless you have had to say goodbye to the
love of your life, your soul mate, your daily companion and best friend, how could you possibly
understand? Simply put, you can't.
Honey, I am happy! I have our children, our grandchildren, friends, and other
family who love me and whom I love dearly. That will never change. It's just
that without you here beside me, it isn't the same. THAT part is still sad. It's the
part of my heart went with you when you had to leave...the part that loved you!
I am also asked if I will ever marry again. This is how I feel. I just can't see how I could ever
love another man the way I have loved you! I believe that a love like ours comes once
in a lifetime. Honey, is it my fault that you set the bar so high, I doubt anyone can come up to
that standard? (smile).
I miss you so much, honey. I just want the love we shared to always be in my heart.
I don't want another man to attempt to take your place. You have a special place in
this girl's heart that no one will ever take. IF God wills another marriage for me,
this man will have his own place...never yours. If He has someone in mind, He hasn't
told me!
I just know I will always love you, my darling Odell, and I can't wait to
one day tell you again... in person. I long to be in your arms again, honey.
Thank you for making me the happiest girl ever! Thank you for loving me so deeply.
Thank you for JUST BEING YOU, the man I love and adore.
And, honey, wait for me, okay? I may be slower, but I'll be there eventually! With you!
And we won't have to say goodbye again...not ever.
I love you.
I love you.
 |
It's a long, rough path to walk alone. Knowing you're
at the end of it, makes it okay. Just reach out your
big, strong hand for me, honey.. just.one more time. |
